Thoughts on Happiness
Over the past few days, I've been thinking a lot about happiness. Yes, the ethereal state of satisfaction and cheerfulness we all strive for. Happiness is a complex topic, but I want to offer some of my simple thoughts on the subject because, well, that's what I do here. Feel free to take what you want from this reflection of mine.
1. You control your happiness, mostly.
This one is something I've been going back and forth on for a long time, but I think this is the most accurate way I can say this. I think that sometimes people blame their happiness (or lack thereof) on the circumstances of their lives, or on other exterior conditions they don't have any control over. Some people might feel that they'd be happier with a nicer home, or if they had more friends, or maybe if the sports team they cheer for didn't suck so much. I bet that some people are frustrated at the way things have gone in their lives, and feel that they'd be happier if they had just gotten that promotion they worked so hard for, or if their lover kept loving them like they used to.
My perspective is a little different. I think that in most cases, people can choose to be happy regardless of the things that are going on or not going on in their lives. I think that people can make a decision to take what life gives them and run with it instead of pouting over the things they don't have. Maybe I'm crazy, but I think that happiness is a lot more about perspective than predicament, much more about viewpoint than variable, and much more of a choice than most people are willing to admit.
The truth is that once someone accepts that happiness is typically a personal choice, they would naturally have to take responsibility for whether they're happy or not. Speaking generally, I think it's easier for people to blame their unhappiness on exterior forces because it means they're innocent, and they don't have to change. But I'm convinced that if people took charge over their happiness with the resolve to change (even if that meant admitting they had negatively impacted their own levels of happiness), their lives would become better and they'd be much more pleasant people.
There is a caveat to this, though. Sometimes, there really are circumstances beyond our control that can have great impact on our happiness. One could be the death or other kind of separation from a loved one. Another could be some tragedy or emergency that causes us stress, pain, or other hardship. Perhaps the most real exception to this rule is the battle that many, many people go through with depression (of course, as I use the word "depression," I mean it to include a multitude of struggles with mental health, such as MDD, SAD, Anxiety Disorder, and others, but I hope for the sake of simplicity my use of this word as an umbrella term covering multiple things is okay).
So I don't want to suggest that anyone, regardless of circumstance can slap a smile on their face and choose to be happy in an instant, because that would be disrespectful to the people who face struggles I can't even imagine. I know that sometimes, happiness isn't reachable, and so I don't want to say that it always is. What I am trying to say is that sometimes, we confuse the little details in our lives that shouldn't impact our happiness with the big ones that do, and we stop allowing ourselves to be happy because we think we can't be. Of course, there is no way to say what those things are in each person's life, and I am no one to say whether someone should be happier than they are. My thought is simply that everyone could benefit from an inspection on whether or not they're happy with the state of their lives, and if they're not happy, asking what needs to change in order to become happy.
2. Happiness isn't a finish line.
One of the other things I've been thinking about is that a lot of the time, we don't allow ourselves to be happy because we think that things will be better at some point in the future, and we can't be happy until we reach that milestone or get to some proverbial finish line. The flaw in this thinking is that there will always be something just out of our reach to aspire to, and if we condition our happiness on the achievement of that thing, we'll be missing out on happiness in the present. Once we reach that goal, there will always be something better that comes along and if we get into that cycle of fixating on those things, we'll never be content.
This isn't to suggest that we can't have goals or dreams or aspirations, because obviously we can! I think life would be terribly bleak if we never had anything to look forward to. But what I mean is that we shouldn't stop ourselves from being happy now just because there is one puzzle piece that's missing from our ideal life. The reality is that that puzzle will never be finished. New pieces will continue to be added, and new dreams will be formed. That doesn't mean that we can't celebrate the progress we've made and the picture our puzzle shows thus far.
I had a teacher once that taught that you have to learn to live in the present. If you live in the past, meaning that if you focus on the mistakes you've made or even if you focus on past achievements, you're going to miss out on what's happening in your life in this moment. You'll be distracted, and you won't be able to really appreciate the things that are happening right now. As Andrea Russett once put it:
Living in the past is not living!!!!!!
— Andrea Russett (@AndreaRussett) November 5, 2014
But on the other hand, living in the future is just as dangerous. Like I said, you can absolutely be excited about the plans you have that are days or months or years away. But if you're so focused on those things that you forget about or neglect the things that are happening in your life right now, you're focused on the wrong things. Again, I'm no one to tell anyone how to live their lives, but I think that you should always be present. You should always try, as cliché as it sounds, to live in the moment, because that's when everything will be the most impactful and meaningful to you. Allow yourself to find joy in the little things every day, and don't get distracted by the past or the future. Happiness isn't a finish line to cross, it's a state of being that is felt most deeply and most intensely in the present.
3. You can be sad and happy at the same time, and that's okay.
One thing I want to be clear on is that you are not a failure for not being perfectly happy all the time. Regardless of the choices you make or the focus you have, hard times come to everyone. Sadness is a valid emotion, and you aren't worth any less for feeling down over something.
I am convinced that all emotions have a place in our lives, because they, more than anything else, are what make us human. Feelings exist because we have the capacity to process information in a way that we feel sad if something bad happens or happy if something good happens, even if that thing doesn't impact us directly. I think one of my favorite things about humans is their ability to recognize that events have value even if they aren't affected personally, although I think in some circumstances we still need to get better at that (but that is definitely a discussion for another time).
Anyway, I got a little sidetracked there. The main point is that even as we strive to be happy, we will probably experience moments of sadness or frustration along the way. And that is okay! You need to allow yourself to be sad in order to learn and to grow. You don't need to try to convince yourself that you're okay when you're not. Sadness isn't the goal, but it isn't a disease either. Let the tears flow. Ask for help when you need it. And when you can, pick yourself up and keep going. Don't worry if you're not as happy or as successful as someone else, because comparison truly is the thief of joy.
The reality is that if you think the only parts of you worth anything are the happy parts, or the only bits of your life that matter are the sunny bits, you're missing out on a great portion of yourself. Celebrate the storm clouds, and find a way to enjoy the nights that just seem a little too dark to handle. It might sound crazy, but I think that even when we are at our saddest, we can still find things to be happy about. Celebrate little victories, even if those little victories are just getting out of bed in the morning and eating a meal. You don't need to be perfect to find joy in things, and as you try to focus a little bit more on the happier things in life, I think you'll find that the sun will rise and things will be okay.
4. Final Tips
Like I said at the beginning, I don't want to drag this post out more than necessary, so I'll keep the ending here brief with a few last thoughts to hopefully help someone see the world in a little bit of a better way. I'm no expert on any of this, but I think these things can help anyone in their pursuit of happiness, because I know they've helped me in mine.
- Learn to laugh at yourself. Life doesn't have to be serious all the time. If you mess up or do something silly, laugh a little. If things don't go your way, find the humor in it and move on. Life is better when you're laughing.
- Take things slowly. Enjoy each moment and remember that you don't have to be going 100 miles per hour all the time. Go for a walk. Sleep in when you can. Don't worry about being perfect.
- Breathe. If things are getting heavy, slow down and consider what needs to be done right now. Take a break, and then come back. If there are too many things that require your attention, find which ones you can cut out of your life. Don't suffocate yourself so a project can breathe.
- Live in color. Romanticize every moment. Live with passion in everything you do. Find music you love and sing along to it, even if you're not good at it. Tell people that you love them. Compliment strangers. Don't hold back a kind word. Without a doubt, the most meaningful piece of advice I could give you is one a fortune cookie gave me years ago: Plan to have some fun. Make life meaningful by doing things that scare you. Do things you'll want to tell stories about after.
That's it for today, guys. See you soon.
