The Waiting Game


Hey guys, it's been a while.

Two days ago, I took my last exam and I officially finished my first semester of college. This semester turned out to be a lot different than I expected it to be for a lot of reasons, but I'm still pretty happy with the way things turned out. I learned about what college is like, about myself, and more than anything, I learned that things aren't always going to go the way you think they will, and that's okay.

One of the things that I definitely did not see coming during this semester was the switch that my university would make from traditional, in-person classes to going fully online. Of course this wasn't really a choice the university made just because they wanted to, but the way things are going in the world required them to. I can't speak for anyone but myself, but in my experience, online classes aren't bad but for some reason they feel a lot less real than in-person classes. It would have been really hard for me to decide to skip an in-person class, but it was really easy for me to disregard my online lectures altogether or sleep in through them without worrying about it. My professors didn't do any Zoom calls, they just recorded lectures and we could watch them at our leisure. This was nice, but because we could watch them any time, it was really easy to put off watching them. I don't know why, that's just how it was for me. Regardless, I got my assignments done and I feel pretty good about the way things turned out.

Because of the transition to online classes and the introduction of self-isolation/quarantine guidelines, there wasn't really a lot keeping me up in Logan so I decided to move home partway through the semester. I was kind of sad about it, but it made more sense to me (plus food is free at home).

The truth is that my time in quarantine so far definitely has not been as useful as it could have been. I'm definitely more of a night person than a morning person, so I started this really bad habit of staying up excessively late and then sleeping late into the day, which means that the next day I don't get tired until late again so I stay up late then too. It's a vicious cycle, and it's caused me to kind of just go through life on cruise control without really trying to do anything productive or worthwhile. I think quarantine is really draining because I'm not supposed to go out or see people outside my family, and so I spend a lot of time at my house without a lot of things to do or purpose in mind.

But I've gotten sick of this lately, so I'm making some changes in my life.

I do this thing all the time where I am constantly waiting for something to happen in order for me to start doing something that I want or need to do. I always say "Oh, I'll do that in the future" without really trying to do that thing now. Of course, I have some hopes, dreams, and goals that realistically can't come until other things happen or until some time in the future (I can't build my own home—a very real dream of mine—until I make enough money to do that; I can't raise my children in the way that I want to until I get married; and so on). But there are some things that I want to do (writing more on the blog, starting a photography business, working out, etc.) that I don't do just because I don't push myself enough to do them. In quarantine, it's been really easy to say "I'll start doing ______ when this is all over", even if I don't need quarantine to be over for me to start doing whatever that things is.

Today, I'm trying to make some changes in my life, and the biggest one is to stop waiting for a perfect moment in my life before doing something worthwhile, because that perfect moment might never come.

I think that a lot of people could benefit from this mindset. Really considering what's holding you back from accomplishing your goals or following your dreams is the first step to starting down the path to getting where you want to be. I fear that some people don't live up to their potential simply because they are waiting for their potential to come and slap them in the face—which doesn't happen often. I think that people could do a lot of things if they stopped expecting a perfect opportunity and decided to make their own opportunity, one that might be less than perfect, but sufficient all the same.

I'm not trying to say that everyone should do things without thinking about them or rush into things unwisely. I'm a big believer in "looking before you leap". But I'm afraid that a lot of people look without really being willing to make that jump. Maybe I'm crazy, but I think some of the red lights in our lives are red because we don't know what they would do if they turned green.

I am fully aware that I have no power to tell anyone how they should live their lives. I am just writing because this is a conclusion I came to, and I hope that it could benefit someone else. I am beginning to ask myself more and more "What am I waiting for?" And if I can't give myself a valid answer, I'm going to stop waiting and start doing.

Change is hard and it takes time, so I don't expect myself to suddenly become perfect tomorrow. But I hope that as I am actively asking myself "What's keeping me from accomplishing this goal?" I can realize that things are a lot more within my grasp than I think.

Here's to new beginnings, and here's to becoming better one step at a time.




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