Two Goodbyes
It's not really hard to imagine that this process, well, sucks. It's never fun to cut a relationship like that. After all the time you've spent with this person and all the memories you've made together, you just have to accept that they aren't going to be in your life anymore, and it's not fun. It's like being handed a chocolate chip cookie, knowing that this is the last time you'll ever be able to eat a chocolate chip cookie. It's throwing away a habit cold-turkey, because the blunt ending doesn't satisfy your need for "just one more minute".
Yesterday, I had the chance to say goodbye to two of my closest friends. Well, sort of (you'll understand in a minute). My friend Tyler Beckman, who leaves on an LDS Mission to Sweden on Wednesday hosted a little "farewell party" at his house, to hopefully see some friends for the last time and say some proper goodbyes. Another friend of mine, Makena Pratt, hopped on a plane early this morning to head on her way to Hawaii as she begins her post-secondary education at BYU-Hawaii.
After I got off work last night, I made my way over to Tyler's house to attend his farewell party. The attendance was small but everyone there was close to Tyler in one way or another. I ate too many strawberries, drank too much pink lemonade, and hosted an entertaining game of Mafia. It was a good night, and I was grateful to spend my last night with him like that.
After everyone else left, I stayed with Tyler and we started talking about things (missions, girls, life in general). At some point, it came to our attention that a close friend of ours had just gotten out of the ER, admitted due to some complications with her appendix (I legitimately don't know the extent of the ailment). Tyler and I decided we were going to take her a smoothie. So we went to McDonald's, grabbed a smoothie, and were about to go to her house when we saw two of our other friends driving down the street, which seemed incredibly random as this was like 1:30 AM. Instead of going to the girl's house who had just gotten out of the ER, we followed our other friends and eventually caught up with them and talked for a few minutes.
This part of the story is important because these friends of ours had just finished saying goodbye to Makena Pratt. They told me that she was leaving early in the morning, which I should have known, but didn't. I was under the impression that Makena was supposed to leave later in the day, so I could still say goodbye to her at some point today.
I was mistaken.
So we concluded talking to these two friends of ours and ran over to the other friend's house to drop off the smoothie, which she appreciated. I then dropped Tyler off, and we were both happy we could have such a good last night together.
But I had another goodbye to say, and I didn't know if I would get the chance.
So I sent a text message to Makena, hoping that somehow she would still be awake so I could see her one last time. The text (which read simply "Hey are you still awake?") was delivered at 2:21 AM, so I knew my odds of success were quite slim. I drove home slowly, hoping that she would answer and I could swing by. No text came, so I went home, sad that I had missed my chance.
Until 2:39, when she responded jokingly "Well of course".
Under the understanding that she was still awake, I figured that this was my final opportunity to say a proper goodbye. I gathered up some things and drove the short distance to her house. I texted her again to let her know that I was coming, and even sent her a picture of her house when I got there. No reply came. But I'm a patient guy. So I waited, hoping that by some spurt of good luck she would walk out the door and I could see her one more time.
Five minutes passed, then ten, then fifteen. I was about to give up. But somehow, at the exact moment when I started my car again to drive away, I received a snapchat from none other than Makena Pratt. I opened it instantly and replied soon after, knowing that she would materialize in front of me so soon. I thought about what I wanted to say and how I would say it. What do you say to someone who has meant so much to you but is about to fly thousands of miles away from you? I didn't know. But it distracted me for a brief moment.
And so I kept waiting. And waiting. And waiting. But the only visible change in the appearance of Makena's house didn't come in the form of her front door swinging open; it came in the form of the light in her front room (lit from the time I had gotten there) to be extinguished, letting me know that my opportunity had been lost.
I sent Makena more texts in hopes that she would see them, but her unconscious eyes wouldn't read my words until she got up a few hours later. I knew it was a long shot, because coming to someone's house at 3:00 AM isn't always the greatest idea. So I was eventually forced to give up and accept that my lack of knowledge as to when she left ultimately determined that I would never get to say a proper goodbye.
So why did I bother telling you this story of my failures? The answer is simply that I said two goodbyes last night, and I don't know which one is worse.
As I drove home for the last time, I thought about saying goodbye, and the fact that that sucks. A lot. But is it better or worse to never have the chance to really say goodbye? Is a sad ending worse than no real ending at all? Honestly, I don't know.
As humans, we like closure. We like things to be neatly boxed up, finished, properly concluded. With Tyler, I got that. We partied, laughed, and eventually closed this part of our lives together with a hug and a goodbye. But with Makena, closure is not what I achieved at all. I felt like there was something missing, words left to be said.
Maybe I'm just being dramatic. I live in an age where I can text or email these people as I wish and so really it's not like every single point of connection between us has been severed.
But I don't know. It just sucks either way.
I realized last night that I don't like saying goodbye because these people have given me so much (in memories, in time, in experiences, etc.). We've had so much fun and I never want it to end, even though it has to.
So when I woke up this morning, I texted Makena again a quote from the book The Fault in our Stars, because it's incredibly appropriate.
"You gave me forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful."
I know that these goodbyes will not be the last ones I will ever say. They won't even be the last ones I say before summer ends. But gosh dang, they were hard, because it's difficult to let go of someone who gave you so much.
Hopefully I'll get better at saying goodbye. But I doubt it.
