You Just Can't Make Everyone Happy
This post comes from an experience I had last semester in seminary. We had a sort of "battle of the sexes" activity thing going on, but before we started the activity, there was some stuff shared from both sides of the room regarding some things that a large number of the opposite gender did that was frustrating or bothersome (for example, a lot of the guys expressed frustration that a lot of girls dress immodestly. Classic seminary answer, am I right?).
One of the things that a lot of the girls complained about was that it was annoying that a lot of guys act differently around different groups of people. And I completely understand that this is bothersome. I totally get that it wouldn't be cool to be with the sweetest person in the world, only to find out that they're a major jerk in another situation. And I can totally validate this. I see guys all the time act differently around different people.
But what bothered me about this whole thing was that there seemed to be a collective agreement that boys (specifically teenage boys) are the only group of people that ever act two-faced. Doesn't everyone act a little differently based on the situation they're in? I speak differently to my parents than I do to my friends. I generally don't give fist bumps and say "Hey dude" to my teachers. I am fairly certain that the way I behave at 3:00 AM with my friends is not the same way I act sitting next to the girl I like in science class (This is an unfortunate hypothetical. No, the girl I like does not sit next to me in my science class).
So is it really a surprise that people act differently sometimes?
I've been thinking a lot lately about how I present myself to other people. It's really easy to be cautious about the impressions you give people when you meet them for the first time, which I've had to do a lot in the past year as a new student at school. But the thing is, the way I act when I meet someone for the first time isn't really who I am. Not that I act "fake" in any way, but my actions are determined by my level of comfort in a situation, and I'm not generally too comfortable around new people. I don't mean I'm intimidated by meeting someone new, because I absolutely love meeting new people and making new friends. What I mean is that I'll act differently around someone when meeting them for the first time because I don't want to offend them or make them feel uncomfortable.
And it doesn't even have to be when I meet someone for the first time. If someone has some special authority or I'm trying to impress them, I'll act a little more formal in an attempt to make them think higher of me. Sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously. For example, whenever I meet any of my friends' parents, I make an extra effort to be respectful. Why? The answer is simple.
I want them to like me.
That's really what I think it is. I think that people act differently in different situations because they just want people to think highly of them. Isn't that rational? So why do people get so mad about it?
Here's my conclusion: you can't impress everyone.
It sounds broad, but let me explain. These teenage girls in my seminary class came to a near-consensus that it was frustrating for boys to act differently around them (the girls) than when they were around others. So here's what I think: In general, the guys act in a certain way around the girls, which is what the girls are used to, what they expect, and (in a way) what they want. But when you throw other people into the mix, the guys change their behavior to accommodate to whatever the situation provides. They just want to make everyone happy. Why do girls get mad?
Because it's no longer about them.
I'm not making any comments about girls being self-centered or attention-hungry. That's not my point at all. What I mean is that the guy stops directing their focus on the girl and instead focuses on the group as a whole, and this makes the girls frustrated because (even if they don't consciously realize it) they figure out that the boy is no longer making a special attempt to impress them/make them happy. Does that make sense?
Anyway, as I was continuing my thought process about how our behavior is kind of shaped by our situation and our peers, I realized something. Girls complain about this occurrence often, but they're also so guilty of it.
I cannot tell you how often I have been talking to a girl and she's the coolest girl ever and then her friend or her boyfriend or someone else comes over and she acts like a total punk. It's really obnoxious. (As a note: when I was talking about guys acting differently, I wasn't saying that was right/good. I totally understand why girls don't like it.) I'm not attacking anyone, but I think we should all take a step back and realize we might exhibit some of the things we hate most.
And maybe, when we take that step back, we'll realize that it's not all about us.
One of the things that a lot of the girls complained about was that it was annoying that a lot of guys act differently around different groups of people. And I completely understand that this is bothersome. I totally get that it wouldn't be cool to be with the sweetest person in the world, only to find out that they're a major jerk in another situation. And I can totally validate this. I see guys all the time act differently around different people.
But what bothered me about this whole thing was that there seemed to be a collective agreement that boys (specifically teenage boys) are the only group of people that ever act two-faced. Doesn't everyone act a little differently based on the situation they're in? I speak differently to my parents than I do to my friends. I generally don't give fist bumps and say "Hey dude" to my teachers. I am fairly certain that the way I behave at 3:00 AM with my friends is not the same way I act sitting next to the girl I like in science class (This is an unfortunate hypothetical. No, the girl I like does not sit next to me in my science class).
So is it really a surprise that people act differently sometimes?
I've been thinking a lot lately about how I present myself to other people. It's really easy to be cautious about the impressions you give people when you meet them for the first time, which I've had to do a lot in the past year as a new student at school. But the thing is, the way I act when I meet someone for the first time isn't really who I am. Not that I act "fake" in any way, but my actions are determined by my level of comfort in a situation, and I'm not generally too comfortable around new people. I don't mean I'm intimidated by meeting someone new, because I absolutely love meeting new people and making new friends. What I mean is that I'll act differently around someone when meeting them for the first time because I don't want to offend them or make them feel uncomfortable.
And it doesn't even have to be when I meet someone for the first time. If someone has some special authority or I'm trying to impress them, I'll act a little more formal in an attempt to make them think higher of me. Sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously. For example, whenever I meet any of my friends' parents, I make an extra effort to be respectful. Why? The answer is simple.
I want them to like me.
That's really what I think it is. I think that people act differently in different situations because they just want people to think highly of them. Isn't that rational? So why do people get so mad about it?
Here's my conclusion: you can't impress everyone.
It sounds broad, but let me explain. These teenage girls in my seminary class came to a near-consensus that it was frustrating for boys to act differently around them (the girls) than when they were around others. So here's what I think: In general, the guys act in a certain way around the girls, which is what the girls are used to, what they expect, and (in a way) what they want. But when you throw other people into the mix, the guys change their behavior to accommodate to whatever the situation provides. They just want to make everyone happy. Why do girls get mad?
Because it's no longer about them.
I'm not making any comments about girls being self-centered or attention-hungry. That's not my point at all. What I mean is that the guy stops directing their focus on the girl and instead focuses on the group as a whole, and this makes the girls frustrated because (even if they don't consciously realize it) they figure out that the boy is no longer making a special attempt to impress them/make them happy. Does that make sense?
Anyway, as I was continuing my thought process about how our behavior is kind of shaped by our situation and our peers, I realized something. Girls complain about this occurrence often, but they're also so guilty of it.
I cannot tell you how often I have been talking to a girl and she's the coolest girl ever and then her friend or her boyfriend or someone else comes over and she acts like a total punk. It's really obnoxious. (As a note: when I was talking about guys acting differently, I wasn't saying that was right/good. I totally understand why girls don't like it.) I'm not attacking anyone, but I think we should all take a step back and realize we might exhibit some of the things we hate most.
And maybe, when we take that step back, we'll realize that it's not all about us.
