Hey guys, it's been a while.
If you know me personally, you'll know that my memory is not very good. I'm pretty prone to forget dates and times and events and memories and it's frustrating to me. I don't think I have any sort of intense or problem-causing memory loss, but I just wish that I could remember things a little bit more easily. This is one of the main reasons why I like photography; it allows me to create a frame I can use in the future to return to the past. That's all photography is: a window to a moment that would have otherwise been lost in time. Of course it would be foolish to live exclusively in a frozen past, but a reflection of pleasant times now gone can be healthy and useful in a fresh present.
Like I said, I don't think my ability to remember things is so bad that it impacts my day-to-day life in a seriously negative way, but I can always benefit from a reminder to help me remember the important things. Is my life going to end if I can't remember what I had for dinner two days ago? No. But could I use something to help me remember to be a little kinder, or love a little harder, or smile a little wider? Yeah, I think so. So today I want to offer you guys a few reminders of some things that have been on my mind a little bit lately, in hopes that I can help you remember something important to you. Hope this helps.
People are typically too afraid to say what they really need to say.
This is something I've been thinking about for a really long time. Have you ever been with someone and you notice that something is off with them, like they're acting differently than normal, but when you ask them what's wrong they respond that everything is fine? Have you ever been in that situation? Have you ever felt like the world is crashing down on you but you can't seem to find the courage to tell someone about it, as if they would make things worse or simply judge you for being "weak"?
That's not the only time this idea applies. Sometimes a person will want something/want to do something but won't say it for fear of the way people will judge them, or maybe for the way their desire will inconvenience someone else. This happens a lot when you ask someone something like what they want to eat or what movie they want to watch. Of course sometimes people won't know what they want or they won't have a preference, but sometimes they won't express what they want simply because they don't want to make a decision because of the impact that that decision will have.
The point is that a lot of the time, people won't say what they're thinking or feeling, and although the reasons for that can vary, I'd say that it's usually due to their fear of judgement and/or consequences. To express yourself openly and honestly is to make yourself vulnerable, and a lot of people aren't willing to do that (depending on who their audience is). Because each person is both a listener and a communicator, this reminder can help people in two ways.
For you as a listener, it helps you to remember that people might have things that they're hiding under the surface. Maybe they're going through something that you have no idea about, or maybe they would just prefer to do something in a slightly different way. Be sure to try to listen to people in a genuine, caring way so that the people you listen to know that you care about them, and that they are free to say what they need to say to you. It's not your place to pry where you aren't welcome, and you shouldn't assume that everyone wants to tell you about every struggle they're going through. But you should make sure that you are someone people can trust, and that you won't judge them for the things they trust you with. If they need help, offer what you can, but don't make problems bigger than they already are. Be accommodating to people's needs, and try to anticipate where you can be more helpful without overstepping boundaries. The issue here is that there is a very, very fine line between a thoughtful gesture and thoughtless intrusion and more often than not, that line is defined by the person you're listening to rather than any standard rule or general guideline. So be courteous, and do what you can.
For you as a communicator, I'd challenge you to just try to be a little more open, clear, and honest with people. Allow yourself to be vulnerable, and don't be afraid to say what you really feel or think in a respectful way. I put emphasis on "little" in that first sentence because I think that you don't have to be rude or unkind to people just because it's something you think or feel, and this takes judgement on your part. Do you think the food at that restaurant could have been prepared a little bit better? Great, you're allowed to think that. Does the fact that you feel that way mean that you should take the time of the underpaid, overworked server to express that feeling to them? No, because the expression of that feeling probably won't end up helping anyone. What I'm getting at is that your life would probably be a little better if you practiced expressing your feelings in a healthy way. Do you appreciate the effort that girl put into her outfit? Do you want to watch a romance movie instead of an action movie tonight? Do you feel tired even though it's only 10:00 PM and you're afraid of what your friends are going to say? SAY THOSE THINGS. BE WILLING TO EXPRESS YOURSELF, AND LISTEN TO OTHERS WHEN THEY EXPRESS THEMSELVES. If you need help, ask for it!!!!!!!! Don't wait for people to guess what you're feeling or what you need. Communicate!!!!!
Most of the time, you are your biggest obstacle.
Another thing I've been thinking about a lot lately is, simply, progress. I would say that most people are not currently where they want to be in one way or another. Maybe they have goals to get a better job or work out more or move to a new city. I don't know, everyone's different. But regardless of who you are, I think that you probably have some dream or some goal that's going to take effort to achieve. Maybe you dream isn't something grand like that. Maybe it's asking that guy on a date or going skydiving or something else like that. In essence, there might be something, big or small, that you want to do but you don't because of the obstacles in your way.
News flash: most people are their own biggest obstacles. Of course there are things that prevent people from doing the things they want to do, like lack of experience or financial burdens or timing. But I think that most of the time, people use those things as scapegoats so they don't have to take responsibility for not accomplishing their goals. I do this. Sometimes I want to write a blog post but I don't because I "don't have the time". I always have time to blog, but the reality is that sometimes I don't prioritize blogging even though it's something important to me. I use the "no time" excuse because it makes me feel better than simply facing the "I chose to use my time for something besides blogging" reality.
The thing is, whether I blog or not doesn't really have any impact on anyone, it's just something I like to do, and it's something I want to do. I think that a lot of the times that people inhibit themselves from accomplishing things they want to accomplish, they're missing out on things that don't necessarily need to happen, but could make their lives better. Let's say that you have a dream to move to a new city. If you give reasons why that can't happen and focus exclusively on those reasons, it probably won't happen. Will life end if you don't make that move? Probably not. Things will continue as normal. But if you stop focusing on the problems and start working to make the move, you'll probably make it. Will life in that new place be inherently better than your current life? There's no way to say, but you'll only find out if you go for it. Does that make sense?
I think what I'm trying to say here is that sometimes, you have to get out of your own way. Stop focusing on problems and start working on solutions. Have a little faith in yourself, and don't be afraid to let yourself become better than you thought you could be. In the most cliché but also the most sincere way possible, don't stop chasing your dreams, and don't be afraid to keep dreaming.
You don't need to be sprinting all the time.
Now one of the things I want to say in order to bring some clarity to that last reminder is that you are on your own timeline. You don't have to feel like you need to do things just because other people are doing them or because this is the time when other people typically do those things. For example, just because a lot of your friends are getting married right now doesn't mean you have to run out to find a spouse if you're not ready for one. You don't have to feel bad about not taking someone else's path for you.
The reality is that the way your life goes is mostly up to you. You choose where and when and why you do or don't do things, and you don't really have to answer to anyone except yourself. So I think this reminder is mostly to help you realize that you are free to take things at your own pace. Some other people might be accomplishing things that you want to accomplish a lot faster than you could. That's okay! You don't have to worry about a thing. If it takes you longer than someone else to do something like getting a job or getting married or finishing school, that's not a bad thing. If you don't want to do something that other people do, you don't have to do it, and you shouldn't feel bad for having a preference.
If there are bigger things that you want to do, you don't have to do them all at once. This reminder is intended to help people realize that you can take things at your own pace, even if that pace is a crawl compared to other people's paces. If you feel like you need to rush from one piece of self-improvement to the next, you're probably just going to end up tiring yourself out, and then you won't really be able to appreciate your accomplishments anyway. What's the point of reaching the top of every mountain if you faint from exhaustion when you get to the summit? Breathe, take your time, and go at your own pace in order to make your life what you want it to be. Like I said earlier, allow yourself to do big things and don't be an obstacle to yourself, but don't feel like you need to be running at 100 miles per hour all the time.
Everyone is going through something. Be kind, and be there.
I think sometimes we forget that other people's lives are as intricate and detailed as our own. There's actually a word for this: sonder. Sonder is defined as "the profound feeling of realizing that everyone, including strangers passed in the street, has a life as complex as one's own, which they are constantly living despite one's personal lack of awareness of it." Basically, even though we can't know all the fine details of other people's lives, those details are still real.
This means that every single person you pass on the street, every friend you have, every face in every crowd has friends and family and dreams and hopes and struggles and pains and literally every other thing that you have, even if you can't see or know or comprehend those things. Even the people you're closest to have lives that are too complex for you to truly understand in the same way you understand the your own life. This is a good thing! That's what makes life interesting, and it's what allows you to still find out new things about people you've known for what seems like your whole life. Each person has a story, and each story has its ups and downs just like yours does.
So here's where the reminder comes in: in the same way that you are probably facing struggles that other people won't know just by looking at you, so too are other people struggling. You'll never know perfectly what someone is going through even if it's someone you're close to. With that in mind, be kind. Always treat people with respect and love, and be aware of the invisible struggles they're dealing with. Most of the time, you won't be able to solve the problems people are dealing with, but you will be able to at least not make things harder than they need to be for them. Be there for the people you care about. Sometimes, the best help you can offer is a listening ear and a warm hug, and that's enough. If you can help in bigger, more substantial ways, great! Do it! But if not, be present, and allow that person to know that you are there to support them in any way you can. More than anything else, be the person you need when you're facing hard times. Not all of the people you meet will need such support from you all the time, but I promise that the ones that do need that help will appreciate your efforts more than they can say.
Forgiveness should allow the victim to move on and to heal, but it is not an invitation to return to abusive habits, relationships, or situations. It is okay to say, "I forgive you for the pain you caused me, but I will not allow you to be in my life anymore/in the same capacity."
At some time or another in your life, someone will hurt you. Accidentally or intentionally, deeply or superficially, someone will cause you pain. That's just how life goes. In my opinion, one of the most telling characteristics of any person is the way they respond to hurt caused by other people. One of the key steps in the healing process is forgiveness, and this reminder is here because I fear that too many people are confused about what forgiveness is.
To me, forgiveness is a lot more about letting go and allowing yourself to be healed than anything else. To forgive is to recognize that you were hurt and to make the decision to not be hurt again. Forgiveness is not a free pass to the person that hurt you to take advantage of you again. It's not "Oh, it's okay." Forgiveness is accepting that what's past is past, but using that information to give yourself a better, safer, more enjoyable future.
Maybe I'm crazy, but I think that forgiveness is a lot more important for the person who was hurt than for the person who caused the pain. When you forgive someone, you make the choice to let go of the grudge, then angst, and the whatever other hard feelings you hold against them, and that's a huge source of relief. Forgiveness is a lot less about giving the other person a "get out of jail free" card and a lot more about taking the weight off of your own shoulders. When you forgive, you might still feel the pain of whatever ache that person caused you, because it's not a cure designed for every problem. But it will allow you to evaluate what that person's new relationship is to you with a clearer mind.
Forgiveness is not a time machine to the past or a memory-loss drug. It is not supposed to make you forget what that person did to you and revert to whatever your relationship was before they caused you pain. You shouldn't feel like when you forgive someone, things have to go back to how they used to be; they don't! In reality, you are the person most in control of who you have in your life, and you decide what role they play on your stage. If your process of forgiveness allows you to continue to want that person in your life, great! They can still be there. If not, then that's fine too. There are too many people in this world for you to be surrounding yourself with those who are unkind or abusive or who generally don't appreciate you for who you are. You should evaluate carefully what happened, and use your best judgement to make decisions on how to move forward with people who have caused you harm. Forgiveness is supposed to let you heal, and maybe part of that healing includes a change in who you allow in your circle. Don't be afraid to make those changes, and don't feel guilty for wanting to give yourself better company.
This too shall pass.
This final reminder is one of my favorite phrases. Its origin is hard to trace, but the most commonly told story of where it came from goes something like this:
There was once a king who asked his wise men to create a phrase that would always be true and appropriate no matter the situation, and that would make him happy when he was sad. After some deliberation, they presented these words: "And this, too, shall pass away." They had done what the king had asked, but he had received more than he bargained for. In addition to making the king happy when he was sad, he also became sad when he was happy.
The phrase "this too shall pass" is the ultimate reminder that everything in life is temporary. Whatever situation you might face, there will come a time when that situation is just a memory. There is comfort in knowing that any difficulty will eventually end, because it brings hope for better times to come. To me, it's easier to face hard times or difficult things because I know they can't last forever. When I'm having a bad day, what brings me the most comfort is the fact that no matter what happens, in just a few hours my head will hit the pillow and I'll be on my way to a better day. What makes hard days or weeks or months bearable, to me, is the mere fact that those days or weeks or months have an end, even if I don't know exactly when it is.
But this is a two-sided coin. In the same way that all hard times and bad things will pass, so too will the good times. Each vacation has its journey home. Every song has its final verse. There will never be a sunset that doesn't disappear beyond the horizon. But that is exactly why this reminder is so important! Because even though it's sad to see good things come to an end, it means that we have room to experience other good things! We can go on other trips and listen to different songs and appreciate the light when the sun rises again. Or even better, we can appreciate the moon and the stars and the planets in the sky that the sun has so kindly left vacant for us. The reality is that when good things end, they leave room for other good things, and that is what makes life worth living!
I love the fall season. The air is crisp, the leaves are colored, and the pumpkin chocolate chip cookies are bringing much more joy to the local population than they reasonably should. Fall is when I celebrate my birthday and Halloween and Thanksgiving and when I really feel the happiest during the year. But just because fall is so great to me doesn't mean that I want the winter to never come. As much as I like all the good things that the fall season offers, it doesn't mean that I would want to stay there forever, because there are good things that happen in other seasons that fall can't compete with either. I appreciate that, because the autumn season, like everything else, "must pass," it allows me to build snowmen in winter and go swimming in summer. Just because something is good doesn't mean it needs to last forever, because that end allows other good things into our lives.
What I'm trying to say is that endings are sometimes hard and frustrating, but they keep life interesting and sometimes, tolerable. If I didn't believe that my hard times would end, I don't know how I would get through them. If I thought I would always be stuck in a permanent autumn, I think I wouldn't enjoy it as much. Endings are what keep balance in our lives, and are probably just about the only thing we can depend on to be completely consistent.
With this reminder in mind, I hope that you can remember that you can find happy things in your life even when other happy things end. Those endings provide space for new things, and there is a beauty in the changes that life throws at you. Sometimes, it's frustrating because no one wants the good times to end. But how much would you miss spring if you were stuck in an eternal fall?
Like everything in life, this blog post must come to an end. This post turned out to be a lot longer than I intended it to be, but I hope that you enjoyed it. If you made it all the way to the bottom here, I salute you, and I hope that one of these reminders might serve you in some way. Thanks for being here, and I'll talk to you soon.
